The champagne is sweaty in your hands and all of a sudden, everybody is looking at you. It is that special kind of fear which makes you forget your own name. You are meant to be funny and unforgettable. It is certainly not the one who spoils the party for everybody. So let us make sure you will not spoil it.
First of all, nobody really wants to listen to your story. All they want is an emotional boost in ninety seconds followed by some salmon. Do not be as boring as you can be. The maximum time you may spend on your speech is two minutes if you are really funny.
The rule number one – the opening line that should not include anything like “So, I’ve known the groom since…”. For God’s sake, stop boring the hell out of people with all this stuff. Try something more catchy like: “Do you remember when we got lost driving to Coachella and ended up on some goat farm?” – now you have them right in the grip of yours.
Structure is your best ally in avoiding endless rambling. Choose three points: 1. Something from your shared memory, 2. Some admirable quality in the couple, 3. Your good wishes for the future. Boom! That’s it!
Your speech may be funny but watch the reaction of the crowd. Nobody wants to hear jokes about bride’s ex-husband on her wedding ceremony. Make it light and sweet. Self-deprecation won’t hurt anyone. “I’m the only one here who knows how difficult it was for groom to assemble his new furniture.”
Rehearse what you are going to say. Rehearse it loudly and clearly. Not in your head and not while you are driving. Stand up and repeat it. You’ll sound like a robot for the first three times but after fifth time you will sound like a confident person with his/hers life under control.
Once you are on the stage, take a deep breath, make eye contact with the couple and look around the room. Speak to people who are seated at the back table, too, they also deserve to hear you. If you lose the track of your words, just pause for some confident seconds, not like “um, uh, like…”
You do not need to give a speech worth applause but you need to give them two people your feelings for sixty seconds. It is not a TED talk, you know, give something to these people. And now take another glass of champagne – you deserve it.